Dating advice that works better for writing

Take it from me, a person who is in no position to give out any type of advice

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I recently dug up an old, dead piece and revised it into something totally different. I was so delighted with the new direction, I imagined submitting it to a certain beloved humor website. Fortunately, I asked my friend Mae for feedback first.

Mae is smart (you should read her Substack) and helped me recognize the piece needed more work. I was grateful, but also dismayed. I’d gotten so excited about the ideas in my head, I’d failed to see where they didn’t quite translate on the page.

Delulu DiCaprio

I managed to set the piece aside and move on to another one. As I progressed on that, I stopped feeling dismayed and started feeling like I knew what I was doing again.

The whole episode seemed to embody dating advice I’d received years before and never quite followed. What if all that dating advice was just a good craft talk in disguise?

Wait until the third date

You may or may not subscribe to this dating “rule,” but the principle behind it can help with writing. If I’d submitted when I was all hot and bothered, I would have gotten rejected. Slowing down saved me from rushing something that wasn’t ready. How long should you sit on a draft? Two weeks might be a good baseline, but, like the three-date rule, there’s nothing absolute about that. It’s really what feels right to you. (If you’re impatient like me, it’s probably longer.)

Date the person, not their potential

One reason to go slow is so you can see things more clearly. I once dated someone who was building a really cool house, overlooking the fact that maybe I didn’t like him or want to hang out with him in any kind of structure. Likewise, I got so excited by the potential of my revised piece, I missed where it wasn’t gelling. It’s easy to think that writing is all about imagination and whimsy, but that’s only half of it. So much comes down to the discipline and clearheadedness to assess whether something actually comes across on the page.

Date around

With dating, having a few irons in the fire means that if someone you like ghosts you, you have other candidates to focus on. Dating multiple people stressed me out too much, but with writing, I hedge all the time. When I set my old piece aside, rotating to a different one helped me regain confidence and maintain momentum.

You’re the common denominator

Like dating, where “you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince,” writing is a numbers game. Rejection and disappointment are a part of the process, so just keep trying…right? Well, sometimes this may only mean repeating the same mistakes, like chasing unavailable people, or trying to force a conceit that just won’t cohere. One way I can tell this is happening is if I’m rationalizing things that don’t feel right, like a person’s chronic flakiness, or a piece’s awkwardness. If I keep thinking things like, “It’s fine, I can make this work,” I should probably hit pause and get some outside perspective, whether from a friend, writing group, teacher, therapist, etc.

You broke up for a reason

People say this to mean there’s no point going back to an ex. I married my ex, so maybe sometimes there is a point? Just try to be sure you’ve learned your lessons first. With my piece, I’m attempting to breathe new life into an old dead draft, but only after drawering it for a few months to work on other things, absorb new ideas and inspiration, and get feedback.

When you’re not looking is when you’re most attractive

I have totally gone on first dates searching for a boyfriend, and dated people with a timeline in mind for marriage. You can probably guess how that went. I’ve also sat down in front of my laptop intent on writing a masterpiece, which is not entirely conducive to the creative process. Today, I try to pursue writing more out of a sense of curiosity and fun. A little levity helps me let go of my agenda and stay open to discovering whatever a particular piece wants to become.

The heart wants what it wants

I’m slowly figuring out what my old piece wants to become. After another revision, I went ahead and submitted it to the certain beloved humor site—even though I knew it still wasn’t ready. It was summarily rejected, no surprise there. But maybe that’s okay because it’s actually supposed to turn into something else? Sometimes you just can’t help yourself, and that’s fine. The best way to learn is to ignore all the good advice and make your mistakes.